“You know that thing you do with your tongue? It’s amazing, stupendous, marvelous…but you got to get your mind right”
the dark side to miss. ramirez. welcome.
Archive for the ‘Music’ Category
Dear First Love
In Amor, Ave Maria, Music on March 17, 2009 at 6:47 amMarch 9, 2009 4:41 AM
Him: “Erika, I know you’re the woman for me. And I know I could be one hell of a man to you”
Dear First Love,
I knew this moment would arrive since the moment I met you, but when you opened the car door I lowered the vale over my eyes and prayed for it to come later than sooner. Its time, to let go, to let myself let go of you. After three years, its time to say good-bye. We’ve grown farther than the states between us. I once feared that if I would let go, if I would turn away for one second, I’d miss your fall. I’ve never missed the ones prior. I waited in vain, for you to see me before you, even when on my knees. I gave you my all; you’ve drained me and left me fragile, left me breathless yet in despair to exhale. I think of you every time I place my hand over my heart. I think of you as my right hand reaches over to squeeze my weakening left arm. I think of the pangs of anger that tightened my heart when the doctor asked what had caused my heart condition. It was more like whom, doctor. I let you break me, and continued to dust off the throne I carried you on. When I would turn away, every man I would pass by was dressed in your mask.
I used to think that if I would stand beside you, if I would wait, if I would give you everything you asked of me, I would be more than the all of me I was giving you. I prayed and pleaded for you to not let me let go of you. I was willing to teach you to love, to show you the way. I waited on the other side of the door just to hear you breathe. It’s where I wanted to be. Even if you didn’t want to speak, I held my breath to await for your sigh, your breath, and a word…the word.
I’ve shrunk you and put you in a little box. Threw in this resentment in, this blame towards myself for falling for a man that you could have been, for a man that was only there in design. This blame towards you for damaging, breaking me, breaking my heart. Threw in this judgment of your potential. Threw in the mirror that used to blame me for your disappearance and disconnection. I will forgive you as I learn to live without you, love without you. The training wheels are off; as am I. Please, don’t keep trying to sell me the same dream, for it’s a nightmare when unwrapped. Please don’t whisper sweet nothings, empty promises. They’re as see through as you are. I will forgive you, time is too short to not do so, this anger will only burden my heart, and I will only have myself to blame. You never intended to hurt me, I know that. I’ve been letting go, baby ant steps, without a plan, and with an unplanned fall for someone else.
Plus I still haven’t really gotten my heart back from the man I’m still in love (or strong like?) with. I haven’t asked for it back yet.
My definition of Love roots from you, its continually changing and grows deeper after you and forgives because of you.
March 17, 2009 12:50 AM
Me: “I want to believe that you miss me and that I’m the woman for you as you’ve been claiming, but I don’t. I can’t. I see no actions for what you claim. I don’t think you will ever prove your care, your love, to myself or even to yourself until I’m actually gone, farther than states away”
Him: “I don’t know what to say…”
Me: “You never do. I haven’t fully let go of you. It’s been three years. I’ve used to hope that one day you’d see me yet you have yet to. I’ve never told a man I loved them ____, I’ve told you. I’ve taken away my own hope to hear it back one day. I’ve held back my own words, my own feelings to spare yours. I can’t anymore. I won’t. I was willing to take you, as you are, imperfections and all. You hardly took the time to see me, let alone really know me. If you really wanted me, you could have had me. Until months ago, until tonight. You’ve always had one foot in and the other foot out. I think it’s my turn for my two feet to take two steps out.”
Its’ been time.
song cry III
In Music on March 16, 2009 at 2:09 amI say I love you. You say that’s kind. You don’t want to get too close. You loved me crazy. I lost my mind.
Listen.
You’re everything I’ve ever wanted. And all the things I didn’t need. This ain’t who I want to be.
You don’t have to stay forever. I’ll take passion over pride. Full moon. High tide. Lets make it a long good bye. Tomorrow we’ll pick up the pieces. Try to mend our broken lives. Soft kiss, Sweet lies.
I cried in silence…and maybe I can learn to fall for someone who can give me all the things I’m not afraid to loose.
Thank you India for speaking for me.
song cry
In Amor, Music on January 24, 2009 at 6:55 amMary J. Blige “Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word”
A.Hamilton
In Music on December 14, 2008 at 2:46 amHe’s amazing. He heals my hurt with his hurt and kills me with his hope.
Baby, who’s saving me?
In Music on November 18, 2008 at 3:20 amJust call my name, I’m running to get you
I don’t mind cause its just in my nature…you’re deserving
After I’ve given my all, would you be there to save me?
Who’s gonna save me when I’m empty, when i need someone to fill me?
Baby, when I’m out saving you, who’s saving me?
Music=Love
In Music on August 31, 2008 at 3:48 amAnthony Hamilton Ft. David Banner “I’m Cool”
“We don’t have to leave in the morning, the whole day just you and I. It don’t have to get any better, its perfect with you in my life.”
Can’t wait for the mornings that last all afternoon.
Intro: Loving
In Amor, Music on August 29, 2008 at 7:23 am“God, give me the courage to love with an open heart…I want to love with an open heart”
India.Arie “Intro: Loving”
I’ve been trying to sleep earlier than usual. I lay there, I close my eyes and try hard to fall asleep, to not think about it, or have to deal with it. I’ve been trying to sleep earlier than usual to not write, to not feel foolish that I’m still holding on, and as I once told him, “I’m still here.”
I wore a promise ring. I placed it myself, on my finger, after being intimate with someone who tainted my inner being through a touch to my flesh. I wore it for eight months, not realizing that I had began to hide behind it. Within those eight months, someone close once told me “I think that ring is another wall, another guard…you’re not protecting your heart, you’re burying it deeper.”
Then, after eight months, one night; he crashed into me. After many days of passing me by…he crashed into me. After that night, the sun would rise and rest, and he’d move me without even a touch. I’d lean towards him as if he was the perfect fit for me. I began to unravel myself through baby ant steps. He became more of himself around me. Its not that I didn’t want to, cause God knows I did, I did more than ever: want to let myself be vulnerable, let myself fall, let myself love as deep as I let water run. And its not that I didn’t, for I was, I was beginning to fall in love lust, fall into a love lust I never felt before him. Fuck it, it was in love. The ring slipped away, as he did as well.
I was selfish, seeking for more instead of breathing in his sighs. I was impatient, did not love in slow motion. I feared to commit, for I thought if I would, I’d fall, not only would I fall, but I would be made a fool. I feared to love, to hurt. I’m sorry if I did not do what Love would do, bare myself, be patient, endure, not fear for fear is torment, sought my own due to the fear of commitment.
Love is:
“Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
How I’ve waited, How I’ve hurt…all to love, and the closest to Love I’ve met, it simply stood before me only to be blindfolded by that same wait, by that same hurt..
P.S. And although it may be too late, although he may be avoiding this as I have tried the past couple of days to do so, I stay true to my words, “I’m still here.” I may have not won, that doesn’t mean I didn’t know how to roar.
Mannequin
In Music on August 29, 2008 at 7:12 amKaty Perry “Mannequin”
“How do I get closer to you? When you keep it all on mute/ How will I know the right way to love you…
I want to hit you to just see if you cry…
I wish you could feel that my love is real..
I wish I could just turn you on/ Put a battery in and make you talk/ Even pull a string for you
to say anything..
But with you there is no guarantee/Only expired warranty/A bunch of broken parts/ But I can’t seem to find your heart
If the past is the problem, our future can solve it baby/ I can bring you to life if you would let me inside baby/It’ll hurt but in the end you’ll be a man”
