Jesus

I’m becoming a boy that I would hate to fall for. Emotionally intangible with weak flesh. Jesus help me, because I may be falling victim to the dark side.

To be continued…

Dear First Love

March 9, 2009 4:41 AM
Him: “Erika, I know you’re the woman for me. And I know I could be one hell of a man to you”

Dear First Love,

I knew this moment would arrive since the moment I met you, but when you opened the car door I lowered the vale over my eyes and prayed for it to come later than sooner. Its time, to let go, to let myself let go of you. After three years, its time to say good-bye. We’ve grown farther than the states between us. I once feared that if I would let go, if I would turn away for one second, I’d miss your fall. I’ve never missed the ones prior. I waited in vain, for you to see me before you, even when on my knees. I gave you my all; you’ve drained me and left me fragile, left me breathless yet in despair to exhale. I think of you every time I place my hand over my heart. I think of you as my right hand reaches over to squeeze my weakening left arm. I think of the pangs of anger that tightened my heart when the doctor asked what had caused my heart condition. It was more like whom, doctor. I let you break me, and continued to dust off the throne I carried you on. When I would turn away, every man I would pass by was dressed in your mask.

I used to think that if I would stand beside you, if I would wait, if I would give you everything you asked of me, I would be more than the all of me I was giving you. I prayed and pleaded for you to not let me let go of you. I was willing to teach you to love, to show you the way. I waited on the other side of the door just to hear you breathe. It’s where I wanted to be. Even if you didn’t want to speak, I held my breath to await for your sigh, your breath, and a word…the word.

I’ve shrunk you and put you in a little box. Threw in this resentment in, this blame towards myself for falling for a man that you could have been, for a man that was only there in design. This blame towards you for damaging, breaking me, breaking my heart. Threw in this judgment of your potential. Threw in the mirror that used to blame me for your disappearance and disconnection. I will forgive you as I learn to live without you, love without you. The training wheels are off; as am I. Please, don’t keep trying to sell me the same dream, for it’s a nightmare when unwrapped. Please don’t whisper sweet nothings, empty promises. They’re as see through as you are. I will forgive you, time is too short to not do so, this anger will only burden my heart, and I will only have myself to blame. You never intended to hurt me, I know that. I’ve been letting go, baby ant steps, without a plan, and with an unplanned fall for someone else.

Plus I still haven’t really gotten my heart back from the man I’m still in love (or strong like?) with. I haven’t asked for it back yet.

My definition of Love roots from you, its continually changing and grows deeper after you and forgives because of you.

March 17, 2009 12:50 AM
Me: “I want to believe that you miss me and that I’m the woman for you as you’ve been claiming, but I don’t. I can’t. I see no actions for what you claim. I don’t think you will ever prove your care, your love, to myself or even to yourself until I’m actually gone, farther than states away”

Him: “I don’t know what to say…”

Me: “You never do. I haven’t fully let go of you. It’s been three years. I’ve used to hope that one day you’d see me yet you have yet to. I’ve never told a man I loved them ____, I’ve told you. I’ve taken away my own hope to hear it back one day. I’ve held back my own words, my own feelings to spare yours. I can’t anymore. I won’t. I was willing to take you, as you are, imperfections and all. You hardly took the time to see me, let alone really know me. If you really wanted me, you could have had me. Until months ago, until tonight. You’ve always had one foot in and the other foot out. I think it’s my turn for my two feet to take two steps out.”

Its’ been time.

The Heart Of The Matter – India.Arie

“Sorry,” I say

He places his hand over mine. I slide it away. “Sorry,” I say. He looks over to me, tries to lose him in the deepness of my brown eyes. But even on land, I’m drowning in another man’s clear water irises. A kaleidoscope of words he whispers, but grey shades fill the spaces of my senses. I’ve nestled within and locked the door behind me. Even though he who holds the key is nowhere in sight. On the end of my sleeve, dangles my heart. As he leans over, I fold up the edges, of both sleeves, just to be sure.

Without a word, I stand up from my chair. He quickly lifts the black ruffled jacket from behind my chair, opens up his arms. He opens up his arms. The strength of my sigh brushes his feet two steps back. “Sorry,” I say. Maybe I should tell him the truth; of the life I’ve been entrapping myself in. If I’m not here, maybe I shouldn’t really be here. I may not be ready. I’m not ready. I’d cheated on the depth of every apology; I want to apologize for that.

Without a word, even without a thought of the man that stands before me, I still follow the pace of his soles, up to his door. As I unbutton my black ruffled jacket, in his living room, he twirls me. My hands don’t recognize the touch, aren’t touching the hands of the key holder. My hands slowly create distance between both of us. “Sorry,” I say. Without hesitation, he grabs my hand and walks me towards his bed. I part my lips and before the words of the night could spill he says, “Lets dance.”

I lower my head; place both of my hands, overlapping, over my heart. My heart. With immeasurable distance between each step I take towards his door, I grab my ruffled jacket from the side of his couch. “Where are you going?” he says.

I turn around one last time; I say one more time, one last time “Sorry.”

My knees weaken, with every stair step I touch, down the staircase. My mind escapes and leaves me miles ahead: I danced on top of someone else’s feet; his toes once tickled my soles. He opened his arms, every time I saw him. He’d lean over, unfolding his sleeves every day, every night I spent with him. Hurrying up to wait. I threw rocks at the man’s window till he awoke and let me inside. I didn’t say a word; I just wanted to lay near him. He lifted me up and carried me to his bed. He took off my ring. A ring that I thought I lost the other day and almost hyperventilated. He…He…It wasn’t him tonight. No one ever will.

The suede of my boots darkens from fallen tears. My sleeve unfolds and drips.

tomorrow and on..

love my insecurities till they live up to perfection. be patient.
count my beauty marks. get closer to Jehovah. let love be. naturally
love. pray. pray more. be a kid. be a woman. be your woman. be my own
woman. flirt cautiously. open up to truth, as it does to me. dance.
sing louder in the shower. buy red lingerie. address all I-O-U's to
her. ice skate in central park. be gentle with the anti-breaks. be
silent. be simple, but deceptively complicated. forgive you. forgive
myself. forgive the before. be gentle. strengthen the delicate soul.
be vulnerable. be me. be fearless again. write without inhibitions.
just write. fade the grey. read. read more. embrace the sun and the
snow. kiss the mirror. buy a yellow dress. be me. be her.

Sent from my iPhone

I haven’t exhaled since you

He would lay his hands on my cheeks and kiss me. He’d keep kissing me. His hands would leave my face, to leave fingerprints all over my skin. He’d rest his head on the space in between my shoulder and my chest. I’d look away. I’d lose my grip from his hips. As he’d pause right in between me, I’d let out the deepest sigh, never to exhale. I haven’t exhaled since… He’d keep kissing me. As we lay, I’d feel his look. I couldn’t close my eyes. Not for one second. As I’d slightly begin to rest my lids, I’d quickly open them, bigger each time I caught myself doing so. I couldn’t close my eyes, because every time I would, I would see you.

When he would do what you once did, when he would try to do what you once did, I would hurry to swipe my fingers underneath my eyes, before he could see, before he could kiss…the tears. I’d brush his hand off my arm as he’d pull my arm hair. I’d pull back as he’d bite in between. It wasn’t you. It’ll never be you until its really you.

I think its time for…

Change. No I won’t delete the blog (again). I’m going to revamp. I can only inspire, challenge, love and embrace you by inspiring, challenging, loving and embracing myself, naturally.

I have these fears…I recited them over and over my head while driving home the other day because I know I’d have to face them once i got home.

Fear of:

1. Commitment
2. My heart
3. Replacement
4. Not living up to my full potential
5. Touch
6. The second to last Him (although someone close mentioned “he’s scared of you”)

…there are more..but those are the ones that have been lingering

All in all…revamp, rejuvenating…me…so I can share myself to the world..cause after all sharing is caring, right?