I waited outside as everyone walked in. In a soft pink dress with a ruffled neckline. Loose curls. Happy Birthday, Erika, they said. Thank you. I said in a glance. I was outside waiting for you, I’d been waiting. I’ve told you I would wait. You didn’t ask, but I still did. You didn’t even say you were coming.
As I turned to walk in, I thought I saw you. Held my heart and inhaled. It wasn’t you, it was him. A grey cardigan instead of a grey hoodie. I took soft steps downstairs. Happy Birthday, Erika, he said. Thank you, I said. I looked at him and saw your face. I grabbed underneath his arm, closed my eyes to feather the soft space on your underarm, one more time. Opening to blue eyes inviting me for a swim. With or without a life jacket, I couldn’t. I’d drown in yours already.
He opened his arms. I stood still. He took two steps forward and wrapped his arms around me. Are you happy? It’s your birthday, he said. He didn’t smell like Old Spice, and the outline of his jaw was smoother than yours.
For the moment where I laid my chin on his shoulder, I prayed that it was you, and that you’d feel like a second chance. Cause maybe this time, I won’t be fearful. I won’t be careless. I will kiss a little longer. I won’t reach out before you’d pull away, before you’d fear my disappearance. We’d define our soft touches between us, not leaving words unspoken, diminishing any space of misconception.
You were drifting when I was falling.
I couldn’t believe you when you offered me a key, when you invited me to go bowling with your brothers, when you told me you’d wish I kissed you longer before I got on the train. It was too soon. I still walked with you, but left words of love unspoken. Fearful that it would stay a dream, fearful of falling if I took too big of a step. I wanted to unveil, to unravel before you, to be gentle, to be chivalrous, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t be her, be myself, be that, when you would lay your head underneath my collar bone, when you’d intertwine your toes with mine. Until I couldn’t feel you next to me. I didn’t know how it felt to be loved. I didn’t know any type of love other than what had been taken from me before you.
And now you can’t even admit that you fell when I tell you I fell in love. Maybe we can be extraordinary tomorrow in the next lifetime.
